Infatuation

Let's be real....is it worth it? Is liking someone a lot only for them to hurt you in the end worth it? Sure, it's exciting and thrilling, but is the heartbreak at the end worth it all? I myself can't answer these questions.

I've talked about "crushes" here and here, but this time it was more than that. It was more than a "crush" it was more like infatuation. I even talked about this kid in one of my "crush" posts. The unexpected happened on yearbook day. I started talking to him again and things just fell into place. We decided to hang out that night. It turned out to be more like a date. It was a ton of fun and I fell back into liking him. We continued to hang out everyday for the next week and a half. At one point he even told me that he liked me too. The kid I had liked for two years actually liked me. I was on top of the world. I even thought this kid would be my first kiss.

But as always when I am happy something has to happen to ruin it. We were supposed to go on a date tonight, but last night while we were texting he informed me that he didn't want to lead me on anymore. (Key word: Anymore) I felt like everything we had was a lie. Words can't even describe how hurt I was/am. I don't even know what to think. I wasn't prepared for the pain this infatuation would bring me.

I loved the idea of having someone. Someone I liked who actually liked me back. It was exciting. The feeling of butterflies in my stomach every time I was with him was fun. There's just something about having someone like you. I don't know what it is that makes it so fun. Every girl likes the feeling of being liked. 

I would like to say that I didn't crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep, but that's what happened. I know that he's not worth my tears, but I couldn't help it. The question then comes: Was it him or was it the idea of having someone? I think it's a little of both. Yes, I liked this kid a lot, but I also liked the idea. I want to be the girl that goes on dates, but it's kind of hard to do that when you don't get asked on dates. So when this boy came around and claimed to like me I took the opportunity and ran with it.

When I like someone I like them a lot. I put too much of my energy into it. Way too much. I know that it's not worth it, but I can't help it. I didn't think it was possible, but this time I got even more emotionally involved. That's why it hurts so bad now that it's over. I can't help but wonder what went wrong. Did I push it? Did we move to fast? Was it me? Why?

It all goes back to the question...Is it worth it? I still can't answer that. I had a ton of fun with him, but the heartbreak hurts a lot too. I think it hurts even more thinking I had a chance with this kid that I have liked so much for two years. In the past I wondered what would happen if he liked me too, and I guess in someway I now know. There won't ever be the regret of not knowing. This kid and I get along so great that I hope that one day we can still be friends. I hope that this little infatuation doesn't ruin everything. Although I think I am more hurt than he is I know I will eventually get over it. It may take a couple days, a week, or even a month but it will eventually happen.

Maybe this will be a lesson for me. I had someone say to me, "Boys aren't worth your tears. You'll learn that someday." I know that this won't be the last time my heart gets broken. It will continue to happen as the years pass. If you're lucky I'll share them all with you.