The "Roller Coaster" of Life

The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I'm kind of sick of this "roller coaster" called LIFE! I don't quite understand how a life (mine) can go from being so good to so bad in a matter of moments. I'm not trying to say that I have a horrible life, because I really don't, but it's so up and down. I just want it to be consistent, stable. I often feel like my life is like this:

This "roller coaster" has many ups and downs, just like my life. I often feel like my life is going great and then something has to happen to mess that up. I hit a really high high and then a really low low. To be honest, it's annoying. Being on edge and often worrying about what is to come gets annoying. I wish I could live in the moment, but I really can't. Maybe that's my problem. Am I just waiting for the next bad thing to happen?

I don't want this post to sound like I'm some sad, depressed teen because I'm not. In all reality I have a great life. I have a great family and wonderful friends. I know that when this "roller coaster" starts to go down I have people to lean on. I am blessed to have so many close friends and family to help me through the good and the bad. Through out this "roller coaster" I know there will always be ups and downs, but I can make it. I sometimes feel like I can't, but deep down I know I can. I found this quote and I think it fits perfectly:

"Life can be like a roller coaster....

And just when you think you've had enough,

and your ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round....

You change your mind, throw your hands in the air

and ride the roller coaster all over again.

That's exhilaration....that's living a big on the edge....that's being ALIVE."

~Stacey Charter

So in conclusion life is always going to be a "roller coaster." I can either gripe and moan about it OR I can hop on and see where the ride takes me.  

I miss you.....

No matter how hard I try to get you out of my thoughts, you are still there. The wound is still open and it still hurts. I miss talking to you and spending time with you. I don't know what it was about you that was so comforting, but now that comfort is gone. You have moved on and clearly don't care about me anymore. Why is it so hard for me to forget about you? We could talk about anything and I miss that. I know that deep down I will always like you, that "spark" will always be there. I wish we could stay friends, but you won't let that happen.

Our relationship was so easy, so natural. We got along so well. I miss the butterflies flying around in my stomach when I was with you, or even when I saw I had a text from you. I so badly wish you wouldn't let her control you. I wish that she wasn't our deciding factor. I miss the old you. The month we spent together was great! I will miss you and all of our adventures. I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, but deep down I know that it won't. In reality missing you isn't the problem, it's wondering if you'll ever come back that's killing me.

Casey Anthony Trial

Why this case is so fascinating to people all over the country I'm not quite sure, but I am one of those people who can't stop watching. Is it the mystery, the bizarre way she died, or even the need for justice? For those of us who have watched the trial on T.V. we all have our own opinions on weather or not she is or is not guilty. How poor little Caylee died is horribly tragic. How could you do that to anyone let alone a child? It really is the unthinkable.

The Prosecution has rested it's case. They believe that Casey Anthony killed Caylee. Casey didn't report her daughter missing for 31 days. That in an of itself is a problem. Why didn't she report it? The defense is claiming that Caylee drowned in the family swimming pool. The question than comes, why wouldn't someone report it if it was an accident? Casey has told so many lies and all of them have unraveled. I can't imagine being a juror in this case. Seeing all those pictures would scar a person. This is a death penalty case. It would be so hard having to decide if someone dies or not. I have my own opinions on the death penalty that I won't go into.

Behind all the drama and all the headlines they are there for one purpose, to find justice for Caylee.

Done

My heart can't handle anything more from you. Therefore, I am done! I am done letting you consume my thoughts and I'm done trying. The amount of energy I have put into worrying about you, about us, could be used somewhere so much more useful. I used to fantasize about us being together, but when our time came you took it as a big joke. You told me you were going to change, that you weren't that person anymore. You made me believe so many lies and in the end I was the one that got hurt. You knew how much I cared for you and you took it for granted. You have done so much to hurt me and too many of my tears have been shed in your behalf. So as of right now I can tell you one things for sure, I am done!

Infatuation

Let's be real....is it worth it? Is liking someone a lot only for them to hurt you in the end worth it? Sure, it's exciting and thrilling, but is the heartbreak at the end worth it all? I myself can't answer these questions.

I've talked about "crushes" here and here, but this time it was more than that. It was more than a "crush" it was more like infatuation. I even talked about this kid in one of my "crush" posts. The unexpected happened on yearbook day. I started talking to him again and things just fell into place. We decided to hang out that night. It turned out to be more like a date. It was a ton of fun and I fell back into liking him. We continued to hang out everyday for the next week and a half. At one point he even told me that he liked me too. The kid I had liked for two years actually liked me. I was on top of the world. I even thought this kid would be my first kiss.

But as always when I am happy something has to happen to ruin it. We were supposed to go on a date tonight, but last night while we were texting he informed me that he didn't want to lead me on anymore. (Key word: Anymore) I felt like everything we had was a lie. Words can't even describe how hurt I was/am. I don't even know what to think. I wasn't prepared for the pain this infatuation would bring me.

I loved the idea of having someone. Someone I liked who actually liked me back. It was exciting. The feeling of butterflies in my stomach every time I was with him was fun. There's just something about having someone like you. I don't know what it is that makes it so fun. Every girl likes the feeling of being liked. 

I would like to say that I didn't crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep, but that's what happened. I know that he's not worth my tears, but I couldn't help it. The question then comes: Was it him or was it the idea of having someone? I think it's a little of both. Yes, I liked this kid a lot, but I also liked the idea. I want to be the girl that goes on dates, but it's kind of hard to do that when you don't get asked on dates. So when this boy came around and claimed to like me I took the opportunity and ran with it.

When I like someone I like them a lot. I put too much of my energy into it. Way too much. I know that it's not worth it, but I can't help it. I didn't think it was possible, but this time I got even more emotionally involved. That's why it hurts so bad now that it's over. I can't help but wonder what went wrong. Did I push it? Did we move to fast? Was it me? Why?

It all goes back to the question...Is it worth it? I still can't answer that. I had a ton of fun with him, but the heartbreak hurts a lot too. I think it hurts even more thinking I had a chance with this kid that I have liked so much for two years. In the past I wondered what would happen if he liked me too, and I guess in someway I now know. There won't ever be the regret of not knowing. This kid and I get along so great that I hope that one day we can still be friends. I hope that this little infatuation doesn't ruin everything. Although I think I am more hurt than he is I know I will eventually get over it. It may take a couple days, a week, or even a month but it will eventually happen.

Maybe this will be a lesson for me. I had someone say to me, "Boys aren't worth your tears. You'll learn that someday." I know that this won't be the last time my heart gets broken. It will continue to happen as the years pass. If you're lucky I'll share them all with you.

Love......?

Love.

A word I’m not quite sure the meaning of

A word I long to learn to know

People everywhere talk about the meaning, but what does it mean to me?

I long to feel love

What it must feel like

Is it as great as everyone says?

I may not know what love is, but I know what love isn’t.

Love is not abuse

Love is not neglect

Love is not hurtful

Love is supposed to be kind, nurturing, and pure.

What I know about love is what I have observed from others.

I want to know love for myself

I may not know it now, but one day I hope to know the feeling

Until then I will hang on to the hope that there is love out there somewhere.

Goodbye Class of 2011

High School wouldn't have been the same without the amazing seniors. I'm ready for Summer, but I don't want things to change. I like the way they are right now. I wish it would just slow down. There are some seniors that I really don't know what I'm going to do without. I can't imagine High School without them. Sure, there are some of them that I won't mind loosing, but others that I just want to stay. The freshman don't need to come next year. Right? They can stay down in the Jr. High. I like it how things are right now. I don't want it to change.

Some Seniors will be missed more than others......I think I will go ahead and hand out "the most likely awards" while I'm at it.

Aubrie Broadbent - The older sister I never had. She always has my back. I know that I annoy her like a little sister, but she's always there. She let's Kaydee and I tag along with her and her friends. Aubrie is most likely to be the next best school teacher.

Andrew Sheridan -  I don't like thinking about him leaving. It honestly makes me want to cry. I love him! He is kind of our pet senior. He is hilarious and has luscious hair. If we're lucky he let's Kaydee, Jeff, and I put a ton of crap in it and style it. I will miss seeing him in the halls and calling him, "Wittle baby!" Kaydee and I may make fun of him, but it's only out of love. I will miss him yelling and shaking his head. There are so many things I will miss. Andrew is most likely to come up with some random invention. Scratch that Andrew Sheridan is most likely to join the circus within the next 5 years.

Sam Norton - This child! On Sophomore day I asked this kind boy to help me find my locker. After a good 15 min we couldn't find it. I figured he had better things to do so I told him to forget it. Later when we went up to the park he asked me if I had found it I told him yes just so he wouldn't worry about it. Max decided to open his big fat mouth and said, "She didn't find it." I felt so dumb. I was called out on my own lie. From the beginning I thought he was cute. From that day on I called him, "My boyfriend Sam Norton." I've said it all year. Some people think I am really creepily obsessed with him, but I'm not. I never even liked him like that. I often wonder if he's aware that he is "My Boyfriend." Probably not. I think that Sam Norton gets the most likely to become my husband.

Kaleb Rasmussen - Sometimes he and I didn't get along to great. We often argued like a married couple. After we discussed our differences we became great pals. One day I winked and blew him a kiss. He was totally creeped out. I thought he was going to fall over and die in disgust. It was hilarious. I will miss winking and blowing kisses at him. Kaleb is always caring around his scriptures. Which means that he clearly gets the most likely to become a Seminary Teacher award.

Christiaan Noot - The PING PONG CHAMP! I have enjoyed cheering him on while he won ping pong championships all year long. One thing about Christiaan is he LOVES waffles. I will miss attending waffle parties in his honor. Christiaan is most likely to become the next Roger Federer.

Justin Decker - "Take off your Shirt!" I'm sure this child is so sick of Kaydee and I yelling at him to take his shirt off. He brought it upon himself though. One day while walking down the hall holding my binder that contains a glorious picture of Zac Efron (my husband) Justin informs me that my picture is of his body with Zac Efrons head on it. Ever since then I've wanted to see this so called 6-pack of his. I have yet to see it. Justin and I also very often argued like a married couple. We don't know why. I will miss it. Justin is most likely to become the next Micheal Phelps of track!

Jeremy Jensen - I will miss "Jerm"ey very much. I often give him a hard time about dumb things. He doesn't appreciate it very much. Sorry "Jerms." One day our dear friend Andrew was trying out for Viking Idol. I asked Jeremy if I could watch the auditions. He told me I could. I went to watch the auditions and other people on Student Council told me I couldn't watch. I got mad at Jeremy about it. I was totally kidding though. I will miss going to choir concerts with Jeremy. Jeremy is most likely to come up with the next "big thing" technology wise.

Danny Harding - I miss him catching me when I jump off desks. I'm pretty sure I bug the crap out of him, but it's like whatever. I have come to terms with the fact that he will always say "hi" to Mattie before he does to me. I still need to go play tennis with him, because he thinks that he is the SHIZ of tennis! Alright Danny we'll see. Danny Harding is probably "most likely" to become a water boy for Christiaan.

Kalena (KK) Foster -  Another older sister I never had. She like Aubrie has always had my back. I will miss seeing her smiling face in the halls. KK is most likely to become a therapist.

Taylor (THE SHIZ) Allred - Have I ever talked to this child in my life? NO!  He thinks that he is the freaking SHIZ! It's quite hilarious actually. Kaydee and I just enable him and pretend he's really as cool as he thinks he is. We would go to the basketball games and cheer for THE SHIZ! When the SHIZ looked at us we freaked out. It was quite the ordeal. I didn't think he knew that we called him that, but apparently he does. I guess you might think something is weird when their are two sophomores bowing down to you. Although I will miss him I am fully confident that he will move on in life and keep thinking he is the SHIZ! The SHIZ as no surprise will be the next Kolby Bryant.

Wes Alder - I don't know how much I will miss him making fun of me and mocking how I say, "TAAANNER!" but there are other things I will miss. I will miss him coming into sculpture. Wes is hilarious and I will miss hearing about his crazy life stories. I will miss hearing about his dreams of joining the military/air force/army. Just in case you readers didn't know you apparently get great benefits if you go into the military. I will miss him randomly walking down the hall and singing, "I'm on probation, I'm on probation." Wes makes me laugh so hard and that in an of itself will be missed. Wes is probably most likely to become a pimp.

I know that I have listed a lot of people, but I really could go on for much longer. I really don't want them to leave. I can say that I will stay in contact with them, but how likely is that really? They are going off to college. Let's be real, they don't want to deal with dumb High School kids.

I am so ready for the Summer break. I have been zoned out of school for weeks now. I am sick of it. I don't want to be there. Although I am ready for the break I don't want things to change. I so badly wish that we could all go on Summer break and be able to come back and have everything be the same. I know that it won't be like that, but I want it to be so badly. I never would have thought I would get this attached to people, but I am. I will be attending graduation and I am determined that I will bawl my eyes out. I know it will happen and I am emotionally prepared for it.

* I will try and post pictures from graduation *